These Days

 Last night I dreamed about the importance of documenting my life via blog or journal. I think I was able to look something up in a blog and figure out something about my life. I can’t remember what it was, though.
I’m convinced that there is an afterlife. I’ve always suspected it, but after listening to the podcast, Real Ghost Stories Online, I am a believer. Do we go on forever, or is there an eventual end to our post-corporeal existence? It can’t be healthy to dwell upon these matters. I should stick to the life that I have now. 

My time at work today was productive, but tiring. When I sit for too long, my legs start to tingle. This is a symptom of MS that I’m accustomed to. It’s discomfort, not pain, and I’m glad of that. But it’s hard to focus on work and be uncomfortable at the same time. It helps to get up and walk around a few times each hour. I think that I’m tired both physically and mentally. It’s hard to find the energy to sit down to write. Some days, just the thought of writing causes anxiety to bubble up. 

There are days when I want to make jewelry. I made a three-strand necklace with some of the beads that I’m tired of owning. I would like to get rid of much my stash and start fresh. The junk journal bag has been calling to me. I planned to start it last year at a friend’s craft night, but I got diagnosed with MS instead.

It is Spring Break at IU, so the cafe in the building where I work is closed. I ran out of the coffee that I keep at my desk and brew in the community Keurig in my reusable Kcup. I had two mugs of Kcup ginger tea. I should drink ginger tea more often. It is said to have anti-inflammatory properties

Drawing of mug
I’ll end this meandering entry with a mention of magic. I believe I can make magic. More on that some other time perhaps.

Tennis Ball Dream

Earlier today I had the thought that everything will be okay. I’m not sure where it came from, but it was reassuring. The momentary calm that accompanied the thought is no longer with me.

I slept in yesterday and today. I dreamed this morning about being in a large auditorium. There was a tennis ball that belonged to me but had gotten away. People in the seats were throwing it around trying to get it back to me. I couldn’t catch it. I like to think that my dreams are never meaningless. I want to believe there is something to be learned from the seemingly random stories my sleeping mind produces. I don’t know what to make of this tennis ball dream.

I’ve been watching a web series called  The Outs. It’s a well-written and produced Vimeo original. It’s mainly about the lives of two gay men and their straight female friend. I recommend it to those who are not averse to such a theme. While in the Vimeo app, I came across a short called The Perfect Fourth. This was a story about a guy purchasing the guitar of a boy who had recently died. There was kind of a surprise twist to the story.

There’s not much to report when you get up late. It’s another hot day, but I can’t stay in. Rehearsal is at 4:00.

Here’s some digital art.

Digital art

Twelve Questions

1. Why didn’t I major in English?
2. Will I ever go to sleep at night and not wake up at 3 am -without a sleep aid?
3. Am I kidding myself?
4. Should I give up my dream?
5. Do I really know what my dream is?
6. What do I want to be when I grow up?
7. Why does a 42 year-old ask a question like the previous one?
8. Are there alternate realities in other dimensions?
9. Can I leave here for a while and then come back?
10. Will I always be indecisive?
11. Do I really believe that my day will come?
12. Is my day already here?

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Greatness, do I want it?

Sometimes I think I’d like to be known for something
Be great at something

But then I think about all the work it would take
To be great

Then I pause
And wonder

If I even have what it takes

If I have the necessary moxie, gumption, chutzpah, nerve

Sometimes I think I do

Sometimes I dream great big dreams
Dreams that make mice out of elephants

Then I begin to try
And I begin to tire
And I say, save the work for another day

After all
Greatness could be overrated

Maybe I could just get by
And be satisfied
With what I have and
With what I am

I just can’t seem to decide

Mouse and Elephant

The Power of ‘What If?’

This is a speech I wrote when I was in Toastmasters.

Reach

Reach

Take a moment to look around, and become aware of your surroundings.

Glance at the person sitting beside you.

Now that you’re acquainted with what’s on the outside, I’d like to spend the rest of our time together looking at what’s inside.

Ask yourself this question, “Am I satisfied with my life?”

What’s the answer? Do you  Immediately say “Yes, things are fine.”

Is that really true?

If we had no dreams or ambitions, the status quo would be good enough.

But we do dream of greater things.

The problem is we tell ourselves those dreams are just flights of fancy, and that we belong on earth with our feet on the ground.

Dreams are for people who are afraid to face reality.

What we sometimes forget is that yesterday’s dreams are today’s reality.

We’ve got light bulbs, airplanes, a polio vaccine, female members of congress.

We take those things for granted, but they each began with the dream of a single person.

We tell ourselves:

“I am who I am, and that is that.”

“Greatness is for other people.”

What if Martin Luther King, Jr. had said that?

So what-if I dream?

What if? What if? – two simple words that can change everything.

‘What if’ opens the door to possibilities

‘What if’ shines light on paths that were once shrouded in darkness

Close your eyes and think “What if? What if?”

Do you see pictures in your mind that haven’t appeared since childhood?

Do you see yourself strong and brave and beautiful? Are you fighting fires, building bridges, writing novels, changing lives?

You see something like that, don’t you? When your eyes are closed, there is only you.

There are no well-meaning friends advising you not to take risks, there are no TV commercials telling you that your skin is too wrinkled, or that your car is too small.

When you close your eyes, there is only you.

You  with the potential to do absolutely anything.

What if?

What if you decide to institute a new rule in your life?

The rule is, “no more saying the words “I can’t.”

It’s a hard rule to follow because we face difficult challenges every day.

If you’re tired of your job and it occurs to you that there are other jobs out there, it’s very likely that the thought of searching for a new job makes you nervous.

So you come up with hundreds of reasons why you should just stay where you are.

“I can’t quit my current job. I can’t afford to be unemployed for any length of time.”

“I can’t look for a new job while I’m still at this job, I don’t have the time.”

“I can’t imagine starting over at a new place.”

Now none of these excuses is unreasonable, but you could look at them as challenges rather than barriers.

What if you said, “I can start saving money and soon have enough of a cushion to be able to quit and look for a new position.”?

Or

“I can search for jobs after work instead of watching TV.”

“I can imagine starting again because I’ll be coming to a new place with skills, experience, and enthusiasm.”

I’ll meet lots of great new people.”

What if you made a decision to see yourself with eyes open, the way you see yourself with eyes closed?

What if you decide to open your life to the question “What if?”

A panther for an eagle

Dreamed last night

no, this morning

Dad had an eagle in the basement

but it was a panther

It was a panther with beautiful markings on its fur

How can one mistake an panther for an eagle?

Panther

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t feel like writing tonight, but I’m doing it. I’m realizing that I have too many irons in too many fires. My focus should be on getting more physically fit, but I have this ambition to get a masters degree, so I have to prepare for the stupid GRE. I just don’t know if I can do it.

The panther in my dream was lovable and gentle. Was it there to tell me to be gentle with myself?  I found some information about having a panther as your totem animal on this page, http://www.whats-your-sign.com/panther-animal-totem.html. It said that the panther is a powerful, protective presence. Maybe I dreamed it to protect me from me.

Humidity and Horrible People

I feel like I want to give up. I just don’t want to go on with this charade. Is it because of the all horrible people in the world, or is it the humidity?

Every time I turn on the tv, or get on Facebook, I’m confronted with stories of hate, greed, and just plain stupidity. I’m afraid that all of this noise washing over me is starting to seep into my pores. It’s invading my bones. I find myself hating the people I accuse of being haters. I don’t want to be that person. I want to rise above it, but right now I just don’t feel like rising. I feel like sitting down in the middle of the sidewalk and crying. That could be because of the humidity. Humidity makes you so tired doesn’t it?

This is just a funk that I’m going through. It may be because the days are getting shorter. When the first day of summer comes, I start feeling like it’s all over. You’d think I’d have enough sense to enjoy the warm days that are still to come, instead of dreading winter’s inevitable arrival. You would think that wouldn’t you?

Sometimes I think I should stop writing and instead focus on photography. I should make stories with images. I think that would be moore difficult than it sounds. I like words, I like pictures, I like music. I guess I can’t be that depressed if I still like things.

I didn’t think I would write anything this evening. I did write, and I’m glad of it.

I dreamed the other night of a clogged toilet. I had to reach into it and pull out the objects that didn’t belong and were causing the clog. There’s probably some deep meaning to that. Should I be plucking the things out of my life that are blocking my flow? I don’t like the word flow, but it will have to do for now.

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