Superhero Speech

This is a speech I wrote for a Toastmasters meeting sometime in the early 2000s.

Life is hard. Do you know what I’m talking about?
I’ve always suspected that this might be true but in the back of my mind I thought things would get easier. Things didn’t get easier.
With each passing year my life becomes more complicated.
I’m faced with so many choices that I end up not choosing anything, which is actually a choice in and of itself.
That’s kind of ironic
But not all that comforting.

They say comfort is
Comfortable
I like that.
Life is hard
I think we need more superheroes like Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, and Spider-Man (the list goes on).

Illustration of a generic superhero.

Spider-Man, he does whatever a spider can.

I know what you’re thinking “those are just fictional comic book characters.”
But how can you be so sure? Just because you’ve never seen Superman in person doesn’t mean he’s not real. What about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy? You believe in them, don’t you?
Of course, you do.

Now all of those famous superheroes are great but they only come in handy for major catastrophes like fighting off giant atomic waste lizards on rampages through Tokyo.

Illustration of T-rex.

How often does that happen? Once every 17 years or so.
Or is that cicadas?

I’m interested in superheroes for the common man. In my ideal world, there are myriad of super guys and gals just waiting to help get me through the day.

Come here.

Let me introduce some of them to you.

Let’s start with Slumber Man. He’s a guy who’s at his best after a good 8 hours of sleep, and he wants to help the whole world get a good night’s rest. Using his patented Yawnometer, Slumber Man is able to detect a yawn from as far as 500 miles away. Within seconds he arrives on the scene, whisks the sleepy person off to bed, tucks them in with a teddy bear and sings a short lullaby. Oh, he does have a beautiful voice.

Illustration of sleeping man.

Sandal Girl has a different but no less important objective. It is her sworn duty to help people with ugly feet find sandals that can be worn in public. This is a difficult task because each day she is forced to view hundreds of hideous misshapen hairy feet. But what would we do without her?

Illustration of a sandal.

Speaking of Feet, have I ever told you about Ruler Man and his plucky sidekick the Thermometer Kid? These two heroes are great for home renovations and turkey roasting.
Thermometer Kid can even convince your Mom that you’re too sick to go to school.

Illustration of thermometer.

When you need to have a document certified but don’t want the content of the document disclosed call on the Masked Notary. This hero with government certification wears a mask that covers not just his face but his eyes as well. He can sign, but he can’t see. Useful for those not-so-legal activities.

Captain Celibacy keeps you safe from those nasty sexually transmitted diseases. Dr. Divorcee will come to your house after the divorce is final and say awful things about your ex. The Pale Geek gives lessons in UNIX system administration and the Melodious Manager sings your performance evaluation to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Beat It.”

Illustration of person using a laptop.

There are amazing things going on inside my head.
All of you are welcome to join me in here and find your own superheroes.

If you can’t decide which hero is right for you, don’t worry, you don’t have to decide. Whenever you need help with life’s difficulties, you’ll find your hero. Just look for the guy with the cape, mask, naïve young sidekick and the positive attitude.

And if you believe in him–he’ll be real.

 

 

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