Tennis Ball Dream

Earlier today I had the thought that everything will be okay. I’m not sure where it came from, but it was reassuring. The momentary calm that accompanied the thought is no longer with me.

I slept in yesterday and today. I dreamed this morning about being in a large auditorium. There was a tennis ball that belonged to me but had gotten away. People in the seats were throwing it around trying to get it back to me. I couldn’t catch it. I like to think that my dreams are never meaningless. I want to believe there is something to be learned from the seemingly random stories my sleeping mind produces. I don’t know what to make of this tennis ball dream.

I’ve been watching a web series called  The Outs. It’s a well-written and produced Vimeo original. It’s mainly about the lives of two gay men and their straight female friend. I recommend it to those who are not averse to such a theme. While in the Vimeo app, I came across a short called The Perfect Fourth. This was a story about a guy purchasing the guitar of a boy who had recently died. There was kind of a surprise twist to the story.

There’s not much to report when you get up late. It’s another hot day, but I can’t stay in. Rehearsal is at 4:00.

Here’s some digital art.

Digital art

I Remember When

I guess I’ll keep writing about anxiety when I quit experiencing it everyday. I made an art journal spread this week. Working on it helped ease my troubled mind. I wrote about it in another blog.

Art journal page

I remembered today that in the days before I went on Prozac I was anxious a lot. Once I was on it for a while, I realized how different I felt. I need that to happen again.

There are times during the course of the day that I don’t feel anxious, but when I notice that I feel okay I get anxious about not feeling anxious.

I need to consult a thesaurus.

I’m learning to use the Pen Tool from a lynda.com course. That is a step forward for me. Soon I can stop floundering and failing when I try to do something in Adobe Illustrator. “There is so much to learn and not enough time,” she sighed.

I’m just spitting out words because I think it might make a difference.

I once thought it would be nice to go into a coma for a few months just to take a break from life.I guess the problem with that is your muscles atrophy and you wake up in bad shape. Maybe I could visit an alternate dimension for a while. I guess we read fiction to escape to other worlds and other people’s lives. I should read more fiction.

“I should. I should. I should,” she was always saying that to herself. All if did was make her more miserable.

Watching Doctor Who helps bring me out of a funk. I used to have a few episodes with Tom Baker and Peter Davison on VHS. Watching them made everything okay for a while.

I still have a little bit of hope that the TARDIS will someday materialize in my front yard. I would be a brilliant companion!

Open

The writing prompt is open. I like the word because it feels right now like everything is open. Things are up for grabs. I don’t know what the future holds for me. Of course, none of us can really know that we have a future. One could be hit by a bus, or swept up in a tornado, or swallowed by a sinkhole. You would think that given life’s uncertainty, I would be able to enjoy each of the precious moments that I’ve been given. No, what I’ve been doing is spending most of my waking time in a state of anxiety.

The world’s tragedies are wearing on me. I’m wondering if I can give myself art therapy. Are there any “do it yourself art therapy” books? I’ll have to look into that. In the meantime, I plan to get more serious about my art journaling. I started a new blog to share my experiences with making art. I’m hoping my art blog will be the one that eventually makes money. The first post is about the fact that my cat room doubles as a studio.

I’ll be able to blog more since my summer class is over. Speaking of the class, I wrote in another post that I thought this class was the last one I needed before graduating. I was mistaken. I need one more. I plan to take Digital Curation in the fall, and it’s actually a class I’ve been wanting to take, so it’s all good.

Here’s wishing that I’m open to new possibilities in the coming week.

Digital artwork

Possibilities

 

Finding a Way

It’s time to face my fears and take some action! In a previous post, I said something about making money from blogging. The idea has been on my mind for quite a while, but it has remained only an idea. If I want to move forward, I must start doing some concrete things to achive my goals.

 I’ve been giving thought to what my money-making blog would be about.  The topic should be something that I care about deeply. I’ve been interested in web content curation for a while, but it’s not really my passion. If I were more of a reader I could review books. I thought about library related stuff, but I’m not a working librarin and don’t plan to be after I get my degree. I wouldn’t have the requisite street cred. 

I think it comes down to jewelry and mixed media art/art journaling.  I mentioned that I suffer from anxiety and depression. It occurs to me that if I started using art journaling as a therapeutic practice I could blog about it. I could learn new techniques and share them. It seems the most sensible thing. 

I figure I’ll get started with the blog and see how it goes. If it seems like it will take off, I’ll start taking steps to monetize it.

That’s a plan. Time to execute.

In other news, I saw the doctor today and he increased my Fluoxetene dosage from 20 to 40 mg. I hope it kicks in soon. I’m tired of the misery.

I finished my paper about Thomas Fountain Blue over the weekend. I think it’s a bit mediocre, but there is not a lot of information to be found on the man. I should have picked a different topic. Oh well, it is what it is. 

Here’s the most recent journal page I worked on as part of Donna Downey’s Inspiration Wednesday. Maybe I can be the next Donna Downey after my blog takes off!

Tired

I’m tired today. I did 10 minutes on the treadmill and then upper body three times. I’m wanting my legs to feel better for my post-workout walk back to the car, but they didn’t so much today. I think this is PMS effecting the MS. 

 I was feeling much anxiety today. I’m so tired of feeling like this.

It occurred to me the other day that maybe all the recent life crap is the Universe’s way of getting me to do something with my life.  Right now it feels like I’m doing nothing.  In the past I’ve made noises about wanting to make a living as a blogger. If I really want to do that I’ll need to take some steps in that direction. I bought an audiobook called ‘How to Start a Profitable Blog’ by David Lim. I’ve listened to a few chapters and gotten some ideas of what my money-making blog could be about. I wonder if I’m up for doing all of the work required for blogging success. My mood has been low lately. My brain tells me I will fail. My brain keeps calling me a failure.

Maybe sleep will help.